today's lesson on corporate newspeak

at today's uber-delightful 2p weekly 'cross-functional' staff meeting, my ears were molested a little more than usual with said internal vernacular. some highlights, i know we've been down this road before, but today included a pungent bunch:

*that is a dialogue i am not confident has happened. facilitate the meeting and get on my calendar in outlook and we can touch base with them.
(that's a $500 sentence, ladies and gentlemen.)

*'in the event of a rush, we all need to partner together and bring our strengths as team members to the table.'

*'i'll put together a recap so this is all crystal clear and to make sure we're on the same page.'

*'you'll have to forgive me, i'm medicated.'

ok, the last one wasn't an example of corporate newspeak, but it IS an example of the warped standards of corporate america. if i were to have said it, my dears, i'd be in hr with a member from security. perhaps even on speakerphone with a representative from the 24-hour cuckoo telephone support line, 'because sometimes it's best to talk it out with a friend' my company has bought access to using. an entry for another time, but do you think it says something that MY COMPANY HAS BOUGHT ACCESS TO A 24-HOUR CUCKOO LINE? i think it does.

but it's all good, and i play the game. i think bosslady (and a few other departments) wanted to hug me when the below happened:

medicated lady: directed toward a division that supports us, 'i think that is a situation that your group [another expression i hate: group] needs to partner together and handle.'

me: 'actually, no, that's my job as the project manager to get them such information. they're only as good as the information i get them.'

'so you do all the research to find weights, measurements, acceptable tolerances, and all that?'

'yes. it's my job. it's why they pay me.'

--- a painful hour later ---

'actually, tom, that should fall in within our group. i don't know how it got passed to you, but it's really for us.'

'oh, it's fiiiiiiiine. it's really not all that different from my regular duties, and i'm happy to do it. happy. to. do. it.' at this point i should have put my finger on my cheek and tilted my head and flashed an angelic grin. it would have completed the package.

i mean, burned out, sure, but reviews are coming up and daddy needs some more buckage...