dental damns
last week was the biannual dental visit. after a long day at work, i hauled my tired, ran-too-much-at-lunch-and-when-will-i replace-my-shoes-anyway! self on the l.i.r.r., a local to boot. get there and the receptionist informs me that my hygienist for the last 13 years has moved on... 'no mo mo'?' 'no, no mo mo'. her commute was a little long.' 'know the feeling, sweets. do you know how long it took to get me here?' 'long enough that you're ten minutes late for candy.' 'do you find it odd that a hygienist is named candy?' 'wow. never got that one before. get in there.'
'so it shows that [mo'] told you in the last two visits, at the beginning of each, that you are to purchase an electric toothbrush. specifically the [model in this coupon.] is this the coupon you received twice in the last year?'
'you have got to be kidding. she wrote that and made a photocopy of the goddam coupon? did she leave for the funny farm? that is inane. and no i didn't get around to it.'
'well, when do you think you will be getting around to the latest in modern dentistry?'
'you're a tough cookie. i like that about you.'
'you clearly floss. i like that about you.'
a little background: my mother taught my dentist, oh, 40 years ago in elementary school. i don't think i'm allowed to get a new dentist, and i never would, he's awesome. but... mo' did a crap job of removing the stains on my teeth last time, and in the last few years, my dentist has given a kitschy name to his practice, going against my cardinal rule of never going to a doctor who names a practice or advertises it anywhere. so, mo' got the stains facing her six months ago, but not the ones that could be seen from the other vantage point: stuck around another. six. months. and, thus, i returned with mixed emotions. so now that i've a woman who has proven to be every bit as sweet as her name, i'm intrigued.
[getting the ultrasonic plaque remover thingy ready]
'no, wait, what the hell is that. i don't do the cavitron. get that thing the hell away from me! it's evil! who invented that thing! all bets are off!'
'oh yeah, right, i forgot. it's in your chart you don't like this. sorry.'
'oh my oral care purchasing habits are in there, but not my visceral disdain of specific dental tools. i see how it goes.'
'yeah, i'm funny that way. now less lip and more teeth: open up, you're already late.'
...
'i've never seen stains quite like that before. do you smoke?'
'nope. not at all.'
'red wine? coffee?'
[um...]
'red wine sometimes, coffee only a little bit. only instant: brewed seems to make them much worse.'
'well a little wine and coffee should not do this much damage. what kind of toothpaste do you use?'
[a little wine. christ, i about gargle the shit after i put it on my cheerios in the morning. and i'm useless without a herculean vat o' instant in the morning. and let me just take this opportunity to say that i'm oddly brand loyal to the weirdest things: oral b tooth brushes, and colgate toothpaste. don't know why, just have been.]
'colgate whitening. catch the irony.'
'well, my daughter has really, really good luck with crest whitening. word to the wise...'
'i like you.'
'i like you, too.'
so i make my next appointment with the receptionist (who would be sooo cool with whom to have a beer) and this adorable, corn-fed, abercrombie-esque guy in a coat comes out with an elderly patient. we lock eyes. he smiles and walks away, and i about drool (and not over the little porcelain sink with the water swisher thingy.) 'who the hell is THAT?' 'oh... [tee hee hee] he's our new associate.' 'holy shit, make sure he's on in six months, eh? mother of god, you've been holding out on me, girl.' 'yeah, no complaints from anyone so far! (and i hear them all!) he's smooth and gentle and really, really knows what he's doing. but i'm told he's got big hands [wink]' 'i'll bet i could give him a thrill or two in the chair.' '[in a stage whisper] (shh! [laughing] there is an elderly woman behind you!' 'what i mean is that candy's never seen stains like mine before. maybe i could teach dr. teeth a thing or two.' and with that i turned to the elderess behind me and winked and walked out.
'so it shows that [mo'] told you in the last two visits, at the beginning of each, that you are to purchase an electric toothbrush. specifically the [model in this coupon.] is this the coupon you received twice in the last year?'
'you have got to be kidding. she wrote that and made a photocopy of the goddam coupon? did she leave for the funny farm? that is inane. and no i didn't get around to it.'
'well, when do you think you will be getting around to the latest in modern dentistry?'
'you're a tough cookie. i like that about you.'
'you clearly floss. i like that about you.'
a little background: my mother taught my dentist, oh, 40 years ago in elementary school. i don't think i'm allowed to get a new dentist, and i never would, he's awesome. but... mo' did a crap job of removing the stains on my teeth last time, and in the last few years, my dentist has given a kitschy name to his practice, going against my cardinal rule of never going to a doctor who names a practice or advertises it anywhere. so, mo' got the stains facing her six months ago, but not the ones that could be seen from the other vantage point: stuck around another. six. months. and, thus, i returned with mixed emotions. so now that i've a woman who has proven to be every bit as sweet as her name, i'm intrigued.
[getting the ultrasonic plaque remover thingy ready]
'no, wait, what the hell is that. i don't do the cavitron. get that thing the hell away from me! it's evil! who invented that thing! all bets are off!'
'oh yeah, right, i forgot. it's in your chart you don't like this. sorry.'
'oh my oral care purchasing habits are in there, but not my visceral disdain of specific dental tools. i see how it goes.'
'yeah, i'm funny that way. now less lip and more teeth: open up, you're already late.'
...
'i've never seen stains quite like that before. do you smoke?'
'nope. not at all.'
'red wine? coffee?'
[um...]
'red wine sometimes, coffee only a little bit. only instant: brewed seems to make them much worse.'
'well a little wine and coffee should not do this much damage. what kind of toothpaste do you use?'
[a little wine. christ, i about gargle the shit after i put it on my cheerios in the morning. and i'm useless without a herculean vat o' instant in the morning. and let me just take this opportunity to say that i'm oddly brand loyal to the weirdest things: oral b tooth brushes, and colgate toothpaste. don't know why, just have been.]
'colgate whitening. catch the irony.'
'well, my daughter has really, really good luck with crest whitening. word to the wise...'
'i like you.'
'i like you, too.'
so i make my next appointment with the receptionist (who would be sooo cool with whom to have a beer) and this adorable, corn-fed, abercrombie-esque guy in a coat comes out with an elderly patient. we lock eyes. he smiles and walks away, and i about drool (and not over the little porcelain sink with the water swisher thingy.) 'who the hell is THAT?' 'oh... [tee hee hee] he's our new associate.' 'holy shit, make sure he's on in six months, eh? mother of god, you've been holding out on me, girl.' 'yeah, no complaints from anyone so far! (and i hear them all!) he's smooth and gentle and really, really knows what he's doing. but i'm told he's got big hands [wink]' 'i'll bet i could give him a thrill or two in the chair.' '[in a stage whisper] (shh! [laughing] there is an elderly woman behind you!' 'what i mean is that candy's never seen stains like mine before. maybe i could teach dr. teeth a thing or two.' and with that i turned to the elderess behind me and winked and walked out.
posted by tom at 12:45 AM
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