'i started shaving in the eighth grade, had a st. bernard named beethoven, and was an elf at bloomingdale's for a holiday season in college.

which of those things is an untruth?'

huh?

so big daddy had the god damned teambuilder thingy on monday with sr. mary mary, the other sr. mary mary, and the wisecracking jewess. {'they call this shit rugelah? i shunder at the thought. the woman is obviously kup in kronk. mir schlungen kup en vas.' i don't speak yiddish, but she's learned me good.) the girls were all really good in preparing everything beforehand, and i do mean every fucking little anal detail ('no we need exactly four silver glittery glue things, in ratio to the primary colors of glittery glue things') they haaaate / aren't good at getting up in front of the people we were trying to build as a team, so enter big daddy and give him a mic.

as people mingled, and before we sat down to the (uber-delish) food, we all did a quick intro, which is when big daddy realized that it's the big daddy show ('just big daddy.') one girl got all nervous and teary when she did her intro ('sorry, i'm so nervous, it's so scary to be in front of people,') the feisty one said she didn't want to see any farbussum a punims during this event, and the third told us we could take a moment to 'offer up this celebration of food to whatever god or gods we choose to pay homage to during this holiday season we may or may not recognize.' THAT is when i knew i was the m.c., like it or not.

not.

(i mean honestly.)

so thankfully, the event was to make decorations for a charity's holiday party, so there was lots of mixing and little directing from us after the initial 'how to' lesson. but there waaaaaas the ice breaker... name two interesting things about you, and one untruth, and we're going to guess the untruth... they ranged from insipid to hitchhiking, prostitutes, and jail time (swear to whatever god or gods you may choose to pay homage to.) all in all, teambuilderpalooza came and went and a charity is all the better because of the efforts expended. warmth and fuzz, let's go bake cookies, paint a playground, and hug kittens.

(i'm part sicilian, so when i hit puberty, i hit it hard... i did start shaving in the eighth grade... growing up, we had a st. bernard named beethoven twenty years before there was a movie about a st. bernard named beethoven... and was forBIDden from answering the ad at bloomingdale's looking for elves in the santa picture hut by some friends in college... that's the untruth... how fucking cool would THAT have been...)

of course you knowwwwwwwwwwwww big daddy had quite enough of 'my glitter glue is acting funny.' 'these scissors couldn't cut dirt.' 'my fingers are cramping.' 'the cheese sauce was spicy and i have ulcers.' so, as luck would have it, marge called from the long island railroad mid-teambuilderpalooza. 'honey. i'm going in to the mah jongg society to get a set: there is nothing out here, and nothing online, that is what i want.' (she just took up the m.j., by the way...) 'sounds good. i'll look for a tall german woman with a short asian woman on west 57th?' 'don't be fresh. do you want to have dinner dear? my treat.' um. aah. let me think. OK. i was tweaking when i walked in and she saw it, already with a glass in hand herself. 'dahling. the cabernet is just delish. do you want a cocktail?' of course, geeves was there to receive me the second i sat down. 'a cocktail sounds just like what big daddy needs.' and i ordered a martini just the way i like it. and then my stresses (and chest pain and back spasms) subsided.

hit the lincoln center tree lighting after where i heard the most fabu new orleans jazz band play, did some window shopping, and got so sad when i saw the 40% closing sale at tower records... they've been there since i was in college only a few blocks away. so i go in and look and dontchaknow afroman has a lewd christmas cd i simply must have. gives me a perverse feeling of happiness to listen to at work...

got to work today, with the greatest 'ahhhh teambuilderpalooza is finally over'-feeling, a glowing email from v.p. auntie mame, an uber-expensive candle (from bergdorf), starbucks giftcard, and the most beautiful handwritten note. 'it's a pleasure to work with you.'

NO, i still haven't gotten my job offer... wondering if it will happen after all. LIGHT. THE. CANDLE. (pun so very, very much intended.)

unless, of course, auntie mame wants to sweeten the deal with a promotion. (riiiight. that will happen.)

'shit, you must be cold, child'

all things considered, rather insipid weekend. wednesday, jutted home to the motherland, as you know, thursday i drank myself into a family-induced stupor, friday, did same before heading on railroad back to the city. the rest of the weekend included mancat, sex and the city, a cooperative f train (imagine) and veggie lasagna, and here i am, humble readers, decompressing before tomorrow, the first day of the rest of my life.

what does that mean, oh me of proverbialness? well, v.p. auntie mame put me on the mandatory, and government sponsored fun, 'team builder' committee at work. wonderful... put the most burned out, bitter, a-corporate 'exec' on a committee to foster warmth and fuzz with a neo-conservative catholic (pursuing a certificate in theology) and an equally as kool-aid flared catholic, though not as blatant, with a loaded canon jewess (we loooooove her), and we get the chanukmas team builder day of them all. yes yes, the catholic girls managed to both drop 'queer' in referring to a lame idea at different times. fine. but the jewess sang a funny dreidel spoof song when she saw the menu of our team builder included rugelah.

i'll spare the gory details, but i will say i'll be damned if i get screwed out of a run tomorrow, so i must go to bed to ensure i get up super early so i can get to work super early to answer my brain-dead coworker's questions that filtered in throughout the world at our big brother international offices with enough time to hit the gym before said 'team builder.' just to make sure, i hit the gym tonight where i wore a shirt that, i have to say, rather stank (more on the oxyclean detergent balls another time.) so, i'm running, and stinking, and running, and stinking, and some thin turd upped the speed on his treadmill, so i nearly had a treadmill induced cardiac on mine. but i was the fastest, so HA, and then used my oh-so-convenient paypass to get soda and fritos at cvs after. only apropos. i walk in literally dripping from my shorts, in a champion hoodie, from circa 1989, when one of the cashiers, out for a smoke, looks at me and says, 'shit, you must be cold, child.'

got all giddy when i found this on youtube. i loooooove the state. (and kids in the hall, too.) enjoy.

i believe there will be a job offer and a shitty salary waiting for me tomorrow. let's take bets that it's something i want and that i will take. i'm about 50/50 at this point. stay tuned, both humble readers who hung on during my six month(ish) hiatus... i'm back, kids, i promise...