i want my MTV! err- DSL!

whoops, i get my acronyms mixed up all the time thanks to work: big brother operates solely on acronyms and codewords. i had to call h.r. about the c.s.a. 'reimb' that the t.m.a. program owes me. it seems i need to have to email 'the general query box' to get the p.a. check 'cut' a.s.a.p. for the f.y. ended in jan and my funds won't 'roll-over' from last f.y. to the next.

christ almighty. even scarier is that you probably got most of those.

but i digress.

so i go on a 'live!' webchat (think a.i.m. but slower and with stupider people than your friends) with a gent asking him where the hail mary my d.s.l. modem is... 'and i thank you for your query. we at earthlink strive to provide the BEST customer service, and it pleasures me to be given the opportunity to do so... it would appear the order you claim to have placed is not placed. you should call our sales department to order d.s.l. it has been my pleasure to help you with your query. may i answer any further questions?'

yeah, what the hell happened?

so i realized i was dealing with a really, really sophisticated computer auto-response thingy (i should learn to misspell better, hahahaha) or a really, really poached rep in bangalore. it could go either way, really. it was a futile attempt at satisfaction, so i decided to just wait and call this afternoon. after having been put on hold 'while my query was being looked into' i was hung-up upon. i call back with fire and rage in my heart, but wrapped in an asbestos blanket, the result of having worked retail for entirely too long during, and out of, college.

'thank you for your phone call. we at earthlink strive to provide the BEST customer service, and it pleasures me to be given the opportunity to do so.' [wtf. did you people drink the kool-aid or is there a script? i almost hope there is kool-aid: it will make for a better t.v. special.]

'sweets, a gent last night told me you have no recollection of my d.s.l. upgrade order, and i was just hung-up upon. kindly could you please help me get to the bottom of this?' [major polite points to me considering.]

'that is a good question, and i do thank you for giving me the opportunity to be able to be put into a position to make earthlink proud with an answer to your satisfaction. [are you kidding me?] would it be to your standard if i took between three and five minutes to look into your concern?'

umm...

'and i do apologize for such a wait and i thank you for your patience. it is our pleasure at earthlink to provide the BEST customer service which sometimes results in a wait. thank you again. i've looked into your query about why the order you claim to have placed has neither resulted in a dsl connection nor a modem. was that the query about which you've asked me?

CLAIMED TO HAVE PLACED? this is like a saccharine-sweet war of disgustingly-polite corporate cover-your-ass newspeak.

'YES!'

'and i do thank you for confirming your query details. please allow me to explain: it would appear that an order was opened on your account in 2004 for a cable broadband account. that order was never closed, and because of it, any additional orders for anything automatically fall off.'

'but i don't have cable t.v. there isn't even a cable connection in my apartment. i never called about this. there has to be a glitch.'

'thank you for noting that. may i please take this opportunity to advise you that you do not need cable television to have a cable connection. the connection speeds are'

'i. do. not. want. cable. i want the d.s.l. i ordered and was promised. i sincerely hope you can make this situation end.'

'oh yes sir, i do apologize for the computer situation which prompted you to call us here at earthlink. i can rectify it by placing another order for dsl right now if you have between two and five minutes. do you have between two and five minutes?'

you have GOT to be kidding me.

'and i do thank you for providing me with that information. it will take between five and seven BUSiness days for your local telephone provider to test and convert your line and an additional seven to ten days for ups ground to get the modem to you for $19.99, two business days for $24.99, or one day for $34.99. kindly please advise which option you'd like me to process.'

'i think i've been right patient with this 'processing error' and i think earthlink should make it up to me. a free month, upgrade the shipping, mail me some diamonds, something. anything.'

'and i thank you for relaying your concerns and frustrations to me. it is our pleasure at earthlink to provide the BEST'

DON'T SAY IT

'but the accommodation that is being made is the special on the monthly charge and the waiver of the activation fee of up to $99.99. may i help you with anything else?'

no. you've. done. quite. enough.

i'm never, ever going to get to download porn at 'lightening fast!' speeds. NOT a good start to the labor day weekend, say i. but, dear readers, i will say that the pleather goodness of the long island rail road is rather desolate now. and in just a moment, i'll have my squishy, dumbasdirt dogs in my lap, and in only three hours, three's company with wine in tow. sometimes it's the journey, other times it's the destination.

and, happily, the d.s.l. debacle is the most with which i have to deal as of late. i could be a refugee from new orleans hoping to god that i get to eat and, maybe one day, go back to my home. it's a beautiful city, architecture unlike anywhere else in the world, and they party like rock stars all the live long day. and their funerals: none of that two or three day wake shit like long island: they have a party. a full-blown, jazz band convoy up basin street. in better times, that, my dear readers, is how to live a life and how to end a live. my heart goes out to those people.

one for the home team: karma schmarma

carrying not quite twenty pounds of laundry to the cantankerous laundromat (but if mancat asks, i used the day-glo blue cart...) and i get honked at. thrice. finally i look up and it's this just. so. perfectly coifed older woman with a cigarette in her left hand and the steering wheel in her right, looking more angry than angry. 'hey. HEY. where the f* is bleecker?' 'make a right here and you'll hit it.' drives off without a thanks, grunt, nothing. then i realized, shit, it's the next left, i must have been in my own little laundry-doing world. poor dear: heading off into tribeca. whoops. but she's bright. i mean, only bright people drive land rovers and live in connecticut, right?

yes, yes, i know i just morphed into *that* new yorker, but, well, we just don't honk in my hood. and in my country, we say please and thank you. and most especially, don't curse at me unless we're having sex.

honestly now, exactly what goes on in the suburbs?

oh what a night...

it started tragically... forgot undies, a belt, hair goo... went to nysc to take a shower and ran into a guy who wanted to wanted to show my feet how much he loved them back in the day, bla bla bla, standard stuff, really. ('don't i know you from somewhere...' riiiiight.) so i freeballed it, pulling my shorts up all night long, all whilst my hair was frowing...

'both figuratively and literally...'

then, after getting lost in chinatown, i found the place where summerfallwinterspring's event was. (i will never, ever get chinatown and tribeca down... those topographers can bite me.) i love her and i love her partner, a true match made in heaven. and yes, i would love to stuff summerfallwinterspring and put her on my tv, for she's so cute, same with her partner the canadian dutchguy. though he could only fit on my night stand i suppose...

summerfallwinterspring: you throw a hell of a party. cheers to all good things in your new endeavors. (and what ARE those endeavors... you never did say...) don't forget: we need to celebrate your birthday. thanks for a great party.

fourth time is a charm

'so, how did you find my practice?'
'from the subway ads next to doctor zizmor.'
'oh, jon, that's very funny. seriously, how did you find this office? referral from whom?'
[MY NAME IS NOT JON]
'well, truthfully'
[cut-off, hand raised in that grandfather-y way]
'we surgeons only deal in truth, jon.'
'um, well, you're not on vacation this week. or next. many of your colleagues are. you're the fourth referral i've called.'
'well. that's certainly truthful, jon. now isn't it.'

blue balls and brown bagged lunches

cubefarm director calls me at noon to ask if i'll be around for the next twenty or so minutes. sure i will...

call from bigbossman: 'do you have a moment for me and [cubefarm director]?'
um. no. on craigslist, give me five minutes?
'sure thing...'
...
'why don't you close the door.'
'wow. two directors and a closed door. this is either really good or really bad.'
'no, no, really good! see, we've been evaluating salaries in the department and in the industry and among your coworkers in the company and would like to bring them up to a level that's more consistent. [consonant? lol.] in working with human resources, we're delighted to give you this.'
[slips me a row print out of an excel document. the magic number they're delighted to give me? 11 dollars more a week. i have a terrible poker face and must have looked mortified.]
'wow. that's right generous of you guys. thank you, both.'
cubefarm director: 'oh and you're doing a wonderful job. [to bigbossman:] he's taken over a product type and several high profile orders. several meaty projects, a lot on his plate.'
[meaty projects and a lot on my plate: here starts the corporate newspeak. i'll spare you.]
'well thank you, both, again. i must go back to a conference call i have at 1230.'
'that's what we like to hear. keep it up, and congratulations.'

so i conference in mancat and my best friend from home.
'eleven fucking dollars!'
[in tandem:]
'eleven fucking dollars?'
'well, i suppose that will pay for the dsl upgrade at home?'
'mmm. not quite, but good point.'

things i learned on my summer vacation...

that i should have learned years ago...

1. clams don't like it when you play home wrecker. they'll show you.
2. crabs don't like to be touched. they'll show you.
3. four-day face growth itches a whole lot more on a sunburn.
4. people with my skin tone should think twice about spf4.
5. while 36 hours on the drink is fun, the following 12 aren't a day in the magic kingdom.
6. thanks to that prick josh, it's been confirmed that you can NOT substitute a veggie burger for a regular burger in the combo. not even for $.75 more. good luck studying economics in stoneontia.
7. three's company is funnier 1. as an adult 2. maybe a tad drunken.