what do tom and the reagan years have in common?

recession.

augh. ok, my genes are pissing me off lately.

my mother's german side of the family is huge, no one under 6'0. even my mother is tall for a chick.
my father's sicilian side of the family is decently large as well. homer was 6'1, so is my brother.

i'm 5'9.

both grandfathers died with a full head of hair, albeit gray. homer had his signature red hair until the end.

good teeth run in the family as well.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?

both my gums and hairline are receding. ok ok, my gums barely, and just on one tooth (that my dentist has been watching for years, in the back of my mouth. but still.)

but what set me off was when i was growing my hair out in the winter and i noticed my hairline was receding. not a lot, but noticeably. then at my last haircut, when georgethewonderbarber fixed what the asshole did to me only one week before at another place, nicely pointed it out, 'your hair to go back, you're to getting older, amigo.'

i'm to getting older amigo? what? WHAT?

and in typical lunatic style, i call marge at, oh, 8am on saturday. 'your genes. YOUR GENES are causing me to go bald!' 'oh, now, calm down. remember i found you on the doorstep and the stork just flew away. the stork must have had deficient genes, that must be why he left you.' 'THAT'S NOT FUNNY. IT'S YOUR 'GERMAN' GENES. GERMAN THIS. GERMANS DON'T GO BALD AND STAND IN WHERE I DO!' 'honey, you're, what, 5'10"?' 'IN DRAG, IN HEELS, YES, 5'10", BUT NOT NORMALLY! 5'9" AND BALDING!' 'oh honey, that must be your father's side, there were plenty of little, bald people on his side, take your uncle gerard. see, you're not different.'

i'm such a whore

for marketing. a whore for marketing. get your mind out of the gutter STAT, missy.

need soap (and a gillion other things), as well as groceries, so i head to gristedes. they've renovated and while they have not added space, they've done a better job with planning what they've got. starch? check. (send my shirts out? I THINK NOT.) various and sundry cheeses and breakfast foods? check. ivory with aloe... non-check. doh! i'm in no mood for ye olde venerable duane reade tonight (though my next purchase of $4 or more will get me the $5 savings coupon, yahoo!) so i opt for 'dial for men' lest i go with this yardley's shit that has inundated the market in the last five or so years. it's then i realize it will sit in my bathroom with 'suave for men shampoo,' 'nivea for men shaving cream,' and 'adidas for men bodyspray.' oh. my. god. i'm a MAN. a genuine, penis-having man. (and thank goodness for my penis s'all i gotta say.)

and all the forwomenotherwisebrands saw me coming: i'm a whore for marketing. rather brilliant marketing, actually. i mean, growing up, my brother and homer and i were rather castrated to the froufrou shampoos and such that marge bought, for they never really had manly men scented shampoos. (oh please.) now, i'll buy anything that says it's for the penis havers of the world. i'm that guy. when did this happen?

(and, i mean, really, am i allowed to buy the manly men stuff?)

so, contemplating this and getting the crook eye from the omni-pleasant gristedes check out lady, i thought i'd give round two to the big business fuck you: as my charge draft came to, waaaay after she handed me my card back, i continued my passive-aggressive (moi?) stance on signing other 'people's' names to my charge draft. all in college, when i'd meet someone with whom i'd rather not speak, i'd be frank grimaldi. you recall the burt harrington post a few weeks back. well, all these people have signed charge drafts. so has, 'tom with the big one,' 'mickey mouse, II,' and 'princess tom of the west village.' i mean come on, if you won't check signatures, you've got it coming... it's got to be a matter of time before someone from my credit card calls me, no?

and speaking of my credit card company... got a LOVELY solicitation for the ezpass of credit cardliness: this thing that goes on my key-ring that acts as my credit card: you wave it over a reader by the register at cvs or macy's and voila! it's charged! i love new technology! to new technology! (but then i can't sign charge drafts as 'fuzzy and blue grover...' technology has its drawbacks.)