i'm jim jupiter! the healthiest man in chicago! (err, west village)

karma, you nasty, nasty shrew.

ok, so that one time in chelsea, when made to wait at the bar far too long by the far too pretty bartendress, i may, or may not, have tipped her for my $45 cosmo.

and that time i called bangalore to demand a refund for my modem that is under warranty, and i had to repeat my name and other info about nineteen times? yeah, may, just MAY, have copped an attitude.

oh and the time i totally promised my coworker a birthday gift, a nasty shrew herself, and never. quite. got. around. to. it. yeah, there was that time.

but honestly, karma, my triglycerides are WHAT? i don't even eat meat! i am a runner! how can that be? for the normal adult, they should be UNDER 150. big daddy here..........? try 471. yes. 471. something is seriously the matter. the PA who read me my results today isn't the brightest bulb, i am thinking (HOPING) she's dyslexic, but who knows...

but the kicker on today, because not one but three doctors needed to be involved, is the, hmm, how you say politely... well i think there is a problem 'down there.' i'll spare you the gory details, for both our sakes, but my 'primary care physician' seems to be of the mind that i've got kidney stones. grrrrrreat. (karma, you're SO going down.) going to a thingy-doctor (lovely) tomorrow who will slather goo on my back and take tests (isn't that for what mancat exists?) and see if there are gem-rocks in my kidneys. fabu! two-hour lunch (again)? check.

i'm jim jupiter! the healthiest man in chicago! what is going on with me, eh? details to follow, stay tuned, kids. this could be the tod bump project for this year, or nothing at all...

oh city living...

i've lived in the 212 / 718 for eleven years next month. i know the routine: summer too hot for the vermin, then suddenly, when it gets more realistic, they come out for their swan-songs...

i, recall from previous posts, screech like a sixth grader when i see a roach. not kidding. have the same visceral reaction that i do when i see a reality show on at a bar (yes, i'm pious), or when i hear people saying, 'people that.' i freak. FREAK. today, at big brother, the mammo jammo mondo roach of them all was making his / her cameo. all the little princesses on my floor (your humble blogger included) wouldn't take him to allah, and he wasn't really moving all that much. (you know it's a slow day when emails are going around a la, 'don't go near the mailboxes, there is a roach there.' honestly, now. i'm not THAT bad.) so, after far too long of this absurdity, a VENDOR, a VENDOR waiting in the deluxe, plush seating area says something to the effect of, and thank goodness i wasn't there to hear it, 'in my country, they're everywhere. no problem *SPLAT*' and the fucker goes away. could this BE any more embarrassing.

so big daddy comes home about 6, i do my thrice-daily roach patrol ('there were no roaches on this wall or that wall or next to the bed or behind the toilet at 845 this morning') and then i look in the tub and WHAMO, the cousin from the assassin this morning. on his back, legs still moving, bizarre black goo hanging around his latter quarters (to make things worse, really now.) i spared an apoplectic reaction and gassed the fucker which is when his legs went CRAZY and died. eek. anyway, he's flushed, and my roach karma is... gone? i hope. light one of those two-dollar bodega wardoffevilspirits candles.

fast forward to tonight... went to the river and watched the sun set and continued chipping away at 'a home at the end of the world.' (excellent read, btw.) upon coming home, as i'm putting my key in the front door, i see a big-ass, mammo jammo RAT going through the neighboring building's garbage. (really, who keeps it on the street now.) i couldn't NOT look, so i watched it's overbite gnaw at a bone with a bizarre brown / purple-colored flesh on it. (mmm, both cooked and rancid!) i just stood there, as i've never, ever, ever, ever seen a RAT on this street. he looked at me, then he got bored and moved on down the street.

really, i think i've had quite enough vermin for one day. of course, i have to do yet another roach holocaust tonight: even though the roach was on his / her way out, i still have to do more preemptive spraying to psychologically put myself at ease. with all the chemicals floating around the flophouse, i'm sure i'll grow a second head in a few days. whee! more appendages!

happy birthday, miss bartricia schnapps greenway

(sounds like an std'd whore if ever there were one... s'all i gotta say...)