it's lent, mon!

the born-again jamaican bible thumpers came into work today with ashes. after they all decompressed, around my centrally located cube, they went over their sanctimonious i-can-out-do-you lenten sacrifices. 'i'm giving up chocolate. i do love my chocolate, but i love my savior lord jesus christ almighty more.' met with 'mmm hmm's. 'i'm giving up all products made with flour. breads, pastas, everything.' [i'd last ten minutes.] after some more of this verbal masturbation, and an undecided by one (because she rationalized that she can take a few more days to think about it) the ringleader, this pain-in-the-ass (who is actually catholic) saw me rolling my eyes and started in:

'child, what the hell you so smug at? what you giving up for lent?'
'monogamy.'

and they all went back into their cubes and left me alone the rest of the morning. tra la dee da...

new york-isms

mancat and i were talking about commercials that molested our television growing up. anyone who grew up in the tri-state area must remember the following... apologies, in advance, if you have no idea what the below means:

*the apex tech guy: he's still around. 'remember, i can't call you. you have to make the first call.' on during the day when the employable were seemingly at work, whilst the unemployable were scanning days of our lives and the people's court.

*young people's day camps: 'mom, can i go to the young people's day camps?' 'good god no. why would you ever want to go there?' 'i dunno. it looks fun.' 'you'll get lice. look at those kids, they can't not have lice.' their logo was this bastardized happy face on a yellow balloon, if i recall correctly, and it was their 31st anniversary all growing up. the footage was children running around, clearly from the 60s, and according to the subways, they're still around, undoubtedly celebrating the 31st anniversary of their 31st anniversary.

*cookiepuss and tom carvel: god, this guy was a piece of work. he clearly, and audibly, smoked a great deal of pall malls, and had the epiphany to make a cake for every occasion with the same ice cream mold. for summers? cookiepuss. (they can't seriously call it that today, tee hee hee.) for father's day? fudgie the whale 'for a whale of a dad.' i don't remember the others, but the mold was this bizarre paisley-shaped thing. i am fairly certain his legacy lives on and fudgie the whale can be found in your grocer's freezer.

*the westchester county fair: 'everybody everywhere, come to the westchester county fair. rides and attractions! non-stop action! shows, rides, animals too, it's about the most fun thing you can do!' i'll bet the young people's day camp has field trips here, this place looked like a death camp. 'animals, too!' i just picture a petting zoo without boundaries, drugged goats and pigs roaming around, eating the grass, and pooping at will. still, didn't stop me for wanting to go to this hellhole, too.

*the coronet twins and mother: 'ma, what's for dinner?' 'reservations!' yeah, that doesn't get old. to this day, i'm yet to hear a new york accent that strong. and while i didn't come out at age six, the coronet twins, in their 20s then, made me feel kinda... well i liked those commercials. 'coronet, on old country road, in westbury.'

*room plus: 'just round the corner!' round this, asshole. get off my tv. 'room room room room plus! a lot of living in a little space...' 'mica' for days and days and days.

aah, new york in the 80s... good times, good times. we have this discussion at work from time to time, too. then it turns into sitcoms. my coworkers, albeit sheltered, think i'm making it up when i bring the episode of the facts of life up where tootie and natalie go to a party where some 'bad girls' were doing bong hits. they asked what they were doing, and the giggle stoners said, 'um, melting jelly beans' and exploded into laugher. what do tootie and natalie do? they buy a bong and about 30 pounds of jelly beans. just as they take it out, enter stage left mrs. garrett who had a bird. NOBODY remembers this episode. but, on an f.o.l. website (i have a lot of free time at work), i found it catalogued.

those were good days :-)

going where the climate suits my clothes

lovely birthday weekend with the mancat, special thanks to him for good times, good muppets, and good food. yesterday, we got our passports stamped in balmy and exotic new jersey visiting mancat's frat brother, his wife, and their new little woobkin. now, as much as i mock my little island of long, for all of her faults (iroc z's, women named debra, dawn, linda, and maria, more strip malls than people, etc.), at least it's not new jersey. the part of jersey we hit must have been a major commercial zone: every last chain store one could possibly have wanted to see in one town was within walking distance of each other. i've never seen quite so many tanning salons in such a condensed area, all having rather disturbing names as, 'sizzles,' 'savage tans,' and, 'midnight sun' all promising (or, really, threatening) 'high pressure bulbs,' 'the strongest bulbs allowed in america,' and, 'special tanning technology in the only place outside of germany.' does this send shivers up anyone else's pale skin? eek.

but i digress.

so we pick up the fratwife and woobkin, both equally beautiful, and debate macaroni grill or the local indian restaurant (indie indie, if you will). wound up at the indian place and had a pretty damned good dinner. fratbro is from india, and the frat family recently moved there, having returned to the fifty nifty this month visiting all who they left behind. our service and food were, as it was explained, a *tad* more authentic and proper because of his provenance. i suppose that means (or explains?) the animated exchange between fratbro, the owner, and the emergency exit which was closer to fratbro's car than the main entrance.

taking today to visit mum and the doggies who, as it was explained to me yesterday, are on an exponential decline. the boy dog had another seizure yesterday, and after blood tests it was determined he's got terribly high cholesterol and liver disease. in addition to being anxious. my fuzzy friend has become quite the pill popper as of late. the girl dog: falling further into senility and blindness, walking into walls and just standing in the middle of the back yard starting blankly. so, heading out to say hello before i have to say goodbye and sneak them doggie treats whilst marge is in the other room.

mum did promise a birthday dinner, however, but as i'm a cheap date, do i opt for the 'good' diner in the next town, taco bell, or yet more indian? (not all diners are created equally, i wouldn't touch a taco bell in the city- it's just different out here, and i could have indian for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.) i'll be sure to advise, i know you're all waiting with baited breath :-)

---

it's like 20 degrees here, and the wind chill isn't helping. noooooo snow, but we DID head to an indian buffet. get there to a king's greeting of, 'sir it is wonderful to see you again sir i do hope you find our buffet as pleasurable as you once did sir!' and mum's chair was both pulled back and dusted off. after some screams in hindi, a brand new plate was brought out from the kitchen by the manager, still warm and slightly moist, and placed down in front of marge after it was wiped off and the waiters were dismissed. very bizarre. like the other patrons, i took my plate from the pile and proceeded to strap the ol' feed bag on. nysc will see me repent for my sins tomorrow... after this buffet and last night, i've got to have done damage...

i get there and proceed to take both layers off. look up and some guy gives me a smile. i look away. i get up to head to the buffet, and he gives me a wave. i look away. decided i should sterilize myself from the funk and nastiness of the l.i.r.r. (venerate her name) and he follows me:

[my name.]

'yes. forgive me, i don't recall you.'

'[twat from elementary and high schools, my brother's year, not mine.]'

'oh my. well. good to see you. [inflection soooo saying otherwise.]'

'i saw you and thought it was you, then saw your mother and knew it was you.'

'glad you said something, i never would have recognized you.'

'yes, well, i've opened my practice here and i came here with my wife and some of our friends for a party. we live in [*yawn* town] now.'

'wow, hey, that's great. how's your brother?'

'yes, my optometrist practice is picking up nicely. my brother is great, thanks. he's finishing his master's at [for 19.99, you TOO can get your master's- college].'

'optometrist, no shit. wow. how can you touch eyes. i think i'd pass out when the scalpel hits the thing, or laser or whatever it is you use.'

'they're ophthalmologists.'

'oh, right right right, sorry. wow, his master's, that's super.'

'what's your brother doing?'

'oh, he's mister self-employed real estate guy. i wish we had the same boss, [har har har, nudge and wink.] so, you're still out here?' i didn't realize how awful that sounded, but it just slipped out.

'wow, that's great. yeah, i am still here. you are here, too?'

'god no. i live in the city.'

'where?'

'west village. same block as the olsens [har har har], but not their building, believe you me.'

'wow. we should keep in touch. i should go, my wife is throwing me looks.'

'hey, thanks for recognizing me.'

'do you have a card on you? here is mine.'

'augh, no, actually, i don't. i never mix business and pleasure.'

'well, if you need your eyes checked, here is where i am.'

'that's great. i see a fantastic eye surgeon in the city. dr. humpy guido

'don't know him.'

'i'll bet. good to see you again.'

right. good to see you again.




and as i mentioned, the dogs aren't well at all. he can barely move, and she is this clueless mass of canine. both so cute and wonderful, and i insisted marge get lots of pictures of us together. while i hope this isn't the end, i know better. cheers to good thoughts and a quick exit for both them and us.